From "The Moscow Expat Guide":

"Don't be surprised if cars travel against the flow of traffic in reverse, or mount (sidewalks)." (pg. 56)

Ummm...really?

Things I Already Know I am Going to Miss

Before I have even set foot on Russian soil, I know that there are some things from here that I'm going to miss dearly. I mean, you get accustomed to some little niceties and small comforts in your life, and on the bad days sometimes these are the things that keep you going.
Just thinking of life without the following has me a little choked up:

1) Gordon Ramsey Programming

This includes Hell's Kitchen, Kitchen Nightmares, and Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares. That's right, I TiVo them all. Is it the optimist in me who just likes to see people redeem themselves and their businesses through hard work and solid logic? Or is it the bitch in me who loves seeing people get yelled at by an irrational jerk, despite the fact that they are far more talented in a kitchen than I can ever hope to be?

Well this is just the Mini-Wheats of television: the kid in me likes the rags-to-riches concept! And the adult in me likes the humiliation of others!

2) My Box-Set DVDs

I won't even lie--these totally keep me company. I have a DVD on when I get ready in the morning, when I fall asleep, when I read (seriously). A good habit? Maybe not, but it's the way I do things. And this is going to sound really spoiled and suburban of me, but I'm going to miss Liz Lemon, Tony Soprano, Vincent Chase, Carrie Bradshaw, and all the other people who keep me company when I don't know what to do with myself.

Hmm, yeah, this seems even sadder in writing than it does in my head...

3)Care Packages From My Mother

We don't have food in downtown Winnipeg. Practically none, according to my mother. When I leave her house, I leave with grocery bags and if I didn't, I'd starve. Well, this probably has less to do with the availability of food, and more to do with my damn laziness (and lack of cash). But the reality is, my life will be a little sadder without the care packages. And it's not just the sensible groceries with vitamins that I need (no scurvy this winter! Thanks for the ten-pound box of Christmas oranges mummy! <3); No it's the little chocolates that she sneaks in, and the newspapers that she gets for me, and the fact that she slips in things I definitely do not need, but love and can't afford (fancy cheese?! pomegranates?!) I get home, I open up the bag, and I feel just a little safer in this world...

Okay, this topic really is making me a little misty...

4) Showers in the Spring

Yeah, no, I'm not waxing poetic about the lovely spring rain. I'm talking about getting hot showers. Yeah, like running hot water. In one of the most populated urban areas in the western world. Uh huh.

See, once a year, the Moscow Unified Energy Company switches off the hot water in different areas of the city as it carries out hydraulic tests, repair work, and replacement of pipelines. The maintenance work usually continues throughout the summer until the end of August, depriving administrative districts in question of hot water for up to 21 days.

There is no logical pattern by which Moscow's hot water is to be switched off. The hot water will be switched off at different times even within one same administrative district.

For someone who often bathes more than once a day and who sometimes gets the bizarre urge to shower around one in the morning, this'll be cute....

5)Salisbury House

I love anyplace where everything on the menu is fried, and where the staff looks at me like they wish I would die. Aw, man...that's home...

So My Mother Doesn't Want Me to Go...

Shortly after I announce my admittedly-impulsive-but-not-altogether-idiotic plan to move to Moscow, my mum sends me an e-mail with the title "Only in Russia".

These are just a sampling of the photos it contained.

This can't be totally right...right?

Of course, this e-mail was sent by the same mother who told me, when I proudly announced my decision to become an astronaut at the age of nine, that "horrible mistakes" can occur in the space shuttle, and continued to rattle off tales about Apollo 1 burning up on the tarmac, cooking alive the innocent astronauts inside. She actually got pretty graphic. After that, I decided that maybe I would become a writer.
But I'm sure this is nothing like that at all. Naw this is just a silly e-mail...

Love you mummy <3

The Paperwork Begins

Alright, I'm not technically in Russia. I suppose I haven't actually "left" Winnipeg yet, if you want to get all obsessed with the details. But the fact is that-- at just 7570.9 km away--I am much, much closer to Moscow than I have ever been.

Everything is finally in motion; as of today I have had lawyer-friends read the contract (thanks Portage and Delaney!), signed said contract, researched the school that will employ me, contacted the Canadian Embassy to do a really good job of researching the school that will employ me, forwarded a copy of my passport, provided my professional credentials and diplomas, sent references, and supplied all the necessary visa information.

Of course to accomplish all this, I had to take on Russian fax lines for the first time. For those of you unfamiliar, it includes the following steps:
1) Dial a number containing approximately forty-seven digits
2) Wait for the line to pick up. In the time this takes to happen, you may want to run to the washroom, balance your checkbook, read the paper, take a nap.
3) Find out that the line is busy.
4) Repeat steps 1-3 no fewer than fifteen times.
5) Give up faxing and just scan and email copies of all your documents.

And my first taste of the Russian mentality came when I informed my new employer of these difficulties: "Just keep trying" he said, "Try a lot. It's just like that."

So now I practice what will surely be one of my most valuable pieces of advice in dealing with what is to be my new home: "It's just like that." A philosophy that includes a shrug? I can get behind that...