UPDATE: We Have a Contest Winner!

I received the following message from my lovely friend Julie W with regards to this post:

FYI the spanish men probably read "Terror in Winnipeg" by Eric Wilson
(who wrote "Murder on the Canadian" which ironically was about a canadaian boy and a japanaese girl who was facinated with canada due to a book she read"Anne of Green Gables") Useless facts Julie, Useless facts.I could be wrong but i swear its the only middle school book that would loosely translate into 'panic
in winnipeg'.i want my beets, caviar, and dolls ASAP!!!xxxooo

CONGRATULATIONS JULIE! You do indeed get your prize. And congratulations Portage: you get to bring it home for her on the plane in June!

Everyone's a winner.

But mostly Julie.

Quote of the Day

"It's a problem dating a foreign man--you can't Google him."

---Anonymous Expat Friend

We tried to Google him. Everything was in Russian.

Guess we could've seen that coming.

The Visitor's Guide to Moscow

A few friends have contacted me looking to visit Moscow. Portage is coming for White Nights in St Petersburg and a brief stay at the luxurious Dom Kiraskaya y Larissaskaya. Two others are up in the air.

And while I can honestly say that this is a great city, I can't help but think that there are a few tips I should pass along to anyone thinking of coming out here.

And so I present to you:

LARISSA'S VISITOR WARNINGS FOR MOSCOW

1) You need an "invitation" to visit me. Basically, the government wants to know that, should you turn out to be a terrorist, they can blame me later.

2) Squat over all toilets. Just trust me.

3) We may not have water when you come. The odds are good that we will, but... well...there is this possibility (see #4).

4) Mind the babushkas. They may look like cute little old ladies, but they know how to use their elbows. And they will yell at you (last week I got yelled by one of them, insisting that I was "harming my woman parts" by sitting on a cement staircase outdoors)

5) Waiters consider you lucky to be at one of their tables. You are bothering salespeople with your questions. And did you SERIOUSLY just ask a metro employee for information about the metro? You are so needy...

6) You can only buy food at food stores. You can only buy clothes at clothing stores. DVD kiosks for DVDs. Meat at deli counter. Pharmaceuticals from a pharmacist.
Alcohol? Anywhere.
No, really, anywhere.

7) Quit smiling at people you haven't been properly introduced to. You're freaking people out, dude.

8) The cashier always tears your receipt halfway accross the centre. I've been here seven months-- I still don't know why.

9) You can know the name of a street by reading the sign that tells you it can be found one hundred metres away. Sh*t outta luck if you are any closer than that. Be prepared to ask many people how to get to the street you are already on.

10) Non smoking? hahahahhahahha.... You are so cute, Westerner...


There are more. But these stand out right now. I'll let you know if we think of more.
But Kira, the kittens and I can't wait for our houseguests!

I'm Sure it was Just my Phone Card

Yesterday i was chatting on the phone with my mum. Somehow, the topic of conversation came round to the Cold War (yes, topics of conversation in my family are normally this erratic and at least this political.)
My mother says something about Cuba.

"That's funny," I say. "I always associate the Cold war with Russia. With Kruschev."

*BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP*

Then nothing. My mum was gone.

Then a Russian recording saying, I think, something along the lines of the fact that my phone card had no funds left.

But maybe, just maybe, someone was monitoring and didn't like what I had to say?

Do you guys think that the government could possibly be--

!!!ВНИМАНИЕ!!!

!!!жаль, связь закончилась. Войдите в контакт с властями для информации. Но не спрашивайте вопросы!!!

A Contest for Spanish Speakers!

Last Sunday was basically a throwaway for me, because of my Saturday night.

Kira and I attended a party that lasted until 4:30 am, at which time everybody decided to go to a club. Really, the decision to go was less due to my party-girl nature and more based on practicality: if I stayed out until 6 am, the metro would be running again and I wouldn't have to pay for a cab. The Moscow Metro inexplicably ends service at 1am, thereby resulting in most people going to the club for 11 or midnight and staying out until service resumes at 5:30 am. I, of course, have no problem with this.

Excessive partying is just good financial sense.

Anyhow, the party consisted of basically fifteen Spanish men, Kira, myself, and one other Russian girl. Ladies out there, I ask you: who could have a complaint? Who would go home before 6am?

"Where are you from in Canada?" they'd ask, and I'd prepare myself for inevitable disappointment. I've been asked this question dozens of times, and rarely get a response that doesn't involve a totally blank look.
"Winnipeg" I answered each time. And each time, I would get an enthused response.
"Ah! Winnipeg! I know that place!"
"You do?!" This time, the blank shock was mine.

Apparently, a lot of kids in Spain had to read some book in school, the title of which they all translate as something along the lines of Panic in Winnipeg. I mean, they all grew up going to different schools in different parts of Spain, and they all remember the book.

I tried to find it online, but no dice.

A prize of beets, caviar, and matryoshka dolls to the first person who finds it...

PLEASE Visit This Link

Moscow Stray Dogs Evolve to Suit Urban Life

I know I'm just linking you a lot today, but this is way too good to pass up.

And I HAVE seen these dogs on the metro several times, and they really did always get off in the centre of the city, almost as though they understood the anouncer. Maybe they did.

A great read.

It is my Duty to Pass This On

Got it here. And it's a story worth passing on.

Apparently a Russian man had a fir tree growing in his lungs. Doctors perfored surgery to remove a tumor and found a fir tree growing inside the tumour. I decided not to post it, but the photo of the actual icky, christmassy mess is in the link, if you want to see it.

And you thought smoking was dangerous.

Try living in a coniferous forest region.

And it Wasn't Annoying at All

So today I'm on the street near Novokuznetskaya, on the way to school, and I notice some Militsiya eyeballing a car.

Obviously the owner of said car was someone they wanted to talk to. Not sure why. Parking violation? Nah, unheard of in Moscow, expecially on a street where no fewer than three cars were parked on the sidewalk and one made use of a half-space by parking sideways with his front end pulled onto the sidewalk.
So no, that couldn't have been it.

Anyway, they decide to find the owner of the car using the following method: giving his tire a good, solid kick to trigger the car alarm, and waiting for him to come out of whatever building he was in.

I don't know how it worked out.

I'm assuming super well and friendly-like.

Just for kicks, the image is from http://englishrussia.com/ a great site with actual pics from around Russia.

This pic... I don't really bat an eyelash, anymore.

So Kira Has a Cough

So do I. I chalked it up to allergies and whatnot, but Kira cancels a class and gets the following message from a student:

"It is very bad, Kira. Now in Moscow epidemic of cough. Buy in
drugstore of a kidney of a pine, boil milk 200 ml, then add on the table spoon,
wait for 50min and drink three times a day. Very much helps."

That is some witchy shit, right there.

And a fifty ruble prize to anyone who explains what "kidney of pine" is.
If we figure it out, I'll let you know how it tastes and what it does.

My money is on superpowers, natch.

Sentence of the Week

"I think my fascination with moss goes back to when I was a child..."

---Anonymous Friend

Maybe you have to be as tired and punchy as we were when we heard this, but Kira and I were literally breathless from laughing as soon as it was said. Yep--I know and love someone who used this sentence without irony.

Why was I so exhausted? I'll tell you tomorrow, when my computer isn't about to die...

RUSSIA MULLETWATCH 2009: UPDATED

Despite serious monitoring of the situation (ie Kira and I watching in horror) the problem only seems to be on the rise.

While the Mulletwatch Team does not recommend staying indoors, we do recommend that you acknowledge the situation and take precations to avoid coming directly into contact with it.

The beast is best viewed for the purposes of education in its natural habitat. We recommend vintage NHL trading cards and episodes of Degrassi, both Junior High, and High versions (now available on DVD at your nearest quality retailer).

The Mulletwatch Team also reccomends keeping an electric raztor near the entrance of your home, in the case that a Mullet should try to enter.

We will keep you updated, and keep track of any progression the Mullet might make accross the pond.

Good Night.

And God Speed.

UPDATE:

Due to requests (hey Stef!) The Mulletwatch Team has accumulated pics, courtesy of diznila (since I'm lazy and my camera is meh):

I Can Stay in the Country!

I'm not going too much into detail, but just know that thanks to some favour somewhere, I managed to get a visa without leaving the country, or even missing a single day's work.


I know it sounds dodgy, but believe me, the details are also incredibly sexy and filled with adventure. I mean boring. Yeah. Not interesting at all, and it never involved a car chase, several wig changes, the seduction of a high-up government official whose name rhymes with "shootin," and a series of clues each one more mysterious than the last. Yeah, no, it's all boring paperwork red tape stuff.

Yeah.

And so I am once again safely nestled in Russia, with paperwork valid for at least one year.

And with that out of the way, I promise to write more. Well, once I'm done with this treasure map.

Now a skull and crossbones is code for "good", right?