The Visitor's Guide to Moscow

A few friends have contacted me looking to visit Moscow. Portage is coming for White Nights in St Petersburg and a brief stay at the luxurious Dom Kiraskaya y Larissaskaya. Two others are up in the air.

And while I can honestly say that this is a great city, I can't help but think that there are a few tips I should pass along to anyone thinking of coming out here.

And so I present to you:

LARISSA'S VISITOR WARNINGS FOR MOSCOW

1) You need an "invitation" to visit me. Basically, the government wants to know that, should you turn out to be a terrorist, they can blame me later.

2) Squat over all toilets. Just trust me.

3) We may not have water when you come. The odds are good that we will, but... well...there is this possibility (see #4).

4) Mind the babushkas. They may look like cute little old ladies, but they know how to use their elbows. And they will yell at you (last week I got yelled by one of them, insisting that I was "harming my woman parts" by sitting on a cement staircase outdoors)

5) Waiters consider you lucky to be at one of their tables. You are bothering salespeople with your questions. And did you SERIOUSLY just ask a metro employee for information about the metro? You are so needy...

6) You can only buy food at food stores. You can only buy clothes at clothing stores. DVD kiosks for DVDs. Meat at deli counter. Pharmaceuticals from a pharmacist.
Alcohol? Anywhere.
No, really, anywhere.

7) Quit smiling at people you haven't been properly introduced to. You're freaking people out, dude.

8) The cashier always tears your receipt halfway accross the centre. I've been here seven months-- I still don't know why.

9) You can know the name of a street by reading the sign that tells you it can be found one hundred metres away. Sh*t outta luck if you are any closer than that. Be prepared to ask many people how to get to the street you are already on.

10) Non smoking? hahahahhahahha.... You are so cute, Westerner...


There are more. But these stand out right now. I'll let you know if we think of more.
But Kira, the kittens and I can't wait for our houseguests!