Be My Friend Now, BEFORE I'm a Famous Journalist

I am not a woman who has previously given much thought to food shopping. There was that month of oatmeal, and a weekend where I decided to eat nothing but yoghurt for no reason at all. And I have, more frequently than I‘d like to admit, felt that a couple scotch-rocks and a bag of microwave popcorn are a perfectly adequate meal, but at least I always knew how and where to find those items (the LC, and my mother’s pantry, respectively). So I do know hot to get groceries, provided you play fast and loose with the term “groceries.”

Buying groceries in Moscow, however, has proven to be a bit of a feat, not because I don’t speak the language but because there seems to be aisles and aisles of “what-the-Hell-is-that” on the shelves.

Now you’ve already read my beer-shopping expose. If you liked that, be prepared to get blown.
Away. I mean. Blown away. By my excellent reporting skills.

Because next, I am going to uncover what goes with that beer---what I eat in place of meals--- what is missing from every Canadian 7-11---what every drunk grabs on the way home to crash with in front of the DVD menu because they fall asleep during the previews before they actually manage to hit play---THE SNACK FOODS OF EASTERN EUROPE!

BOOYAH Barbara Walters--ya burnt!

If you guys can’t get a hold of me for the next week or so, it’s because I’m keeping my lines open for the Pulitzer people.

First up, we have the seafood-chips category. Yes--it is a category. Because I have found not just one fishy-tasting snack food, but two. First off, there are these salmon chips:




Not too weird, right? The picture looks pretty appetising. Little salmon, little dill…yummy. And they are.

So then there are these:



Yes. That is a crab. A big, shiny, pinchy, red crab:

What exactly about this packaging is supposed to be appealing? It looks threatening to me. Or maybe itchy, on a smaller scale.

But you know what? They really taste like crab. And they are bloody delicious. No joke.

At another grocery store I discovered, to my amazement, gin-and-tonic in a can:

[FOOTAGE NOT FOUND]

I have no idea if this is a Russian thing or if it’s generally sold across Europe, but I was completely amazed and prepared myself to write about this incredible innovation in inebriation technology.

The people have to know, I reasoned. This is for science. So I bought it, brought it home, cracked it open, and poured a glass.

I took a sip. I swirled it around in my mouth. And this is what I discovered:.

It tastes like a gin and tonic.

You read it here first.

I’ll wait for you to recover from the smack-down of that journalism. Y’know, cause it was so hard-hitting.

Finally, have you ever thought to yourself “Hey--my cheese just isn’t dry enough., and it doesn’t taste enough like meat. I wish there was something I could do about that.” but then went along, eating your moist, cheese-flavoured cheese like a sucker, resigned to the fact that the world is an imperfect place?
Well my friend, if you were in Russia, such dilemma would never have even crossed you mind. Because to my taste buds and fingertips, this:

seems to be some kind of cheese jerky. It’s really salty and stringy and I think it is cured with meat. I don’t hate it but…it’s not great. Maybe I just haven’t figured out what to do with it yet? I’m probably going to find out that eating it from the package causes blindness, brain damage, and sterility.

Question: if I get a tapeworm, could I consider that a pet? Then I wouldn’t be talking to myself when I’m alone, right?

...And that sterility thing just starts to sound more and more necessary, doesn’t it?